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How to resolve disputes fast

If you have two or more people together, you can expect to have disagreements. How you handle these disagreements determines the quality of your relationship. Most of us handle them in a way that is very destructive. We get defensive and draw sides against the other person.

Then we fight to have our side prevail. We think that if we fight hard enough, our side will win. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Everything you do to have your side win is calculated to have the other side lose. This automatically puts the other person on the defensive and forces that person to fight you.

Then you get defensive and fight the other person even harder. Then the other person does the same. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict that produces tremendous suffering and makes it very difficult to resolve anything.

We don’t realize that everything we do as an adversary creates more adversariness against us. Fortunately, this can easily be avoided. To learn how, let’s look at the nature of arguments.

The nature of arguments

Whenever there is an argument, there are two people forcefully pushing their point of view on the other. No one is listening. Nothing is getting resolved and the cycle of conflict is escalating dramatically.

The key to ending arguments and resolving disputes is simple. Stop talking and listen. It is physically impossible to have an argument with someone who listens.

The next time you are in an argument, listen to what the other person is saying and hear it from that person’s point of view. You don’t have to like what the person is saying or even agree with it. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen.

Once you have fully let in the other person’s point of view, there will be an opening for you to express yours. Once both of you have said everything you want to say, you can have a conversation about solutions.

Solutions that work for everyone

To resolve a dispute quickly, look for solutions that work for everyone. You will be surprised at how fast you find them when you take the time to look for them. Usually, solutions show up quickly. Sometimes it takes longer, but one thing is for sure, if you don’t look for a solution, you’re not likely to find it. So keep looking. Whatever the issue, there is a way to resolve it.

If the other person has already drawn sides against you, don’t do the same. When you keep your focus on finding solutions that work for both of you, you become less of a threat and the other person becomes less defensive. It’s hard to fight someone who is on your side.

You can still say no when you need to and you can take strong action if you need to. Some people are very difficult. It’s your commitment that is important. When keep your focus on finding solutions that work for everyone, you dissolve opposition and resistance. When you are defensive and focus on fighting, you fuel the fire.

When you draw sides and fight against each other, disputes get resolved by tug-of-war. The process is painful and takes forever. You destroy love and the cycle of conflict gets magnified dramatically.

It’s up to you

You can keep your pride, draw sides, and go to town on each other; or you can be committed to a relationship where everyone comes out ahead. The choice is yours.

It is possible to create a life of love. Relationships can heal, problem areas can clear up, and you can create an incredible life. I can show you how.

If you want to learn more about how to end conflict and resolve disputes, read my book, How to Heal a Painful Relationship. If you want to learn more about how to create a great life, get the Mastery of Life Video course. If you want to work with me on an individual basis, I am available for private consulting. You have the ability to create a great life, you just need to know how.

The world is going nuts. Is there a purpose to it? I think so.

As I am sure you have noticed, the world is getting crazier and crazier by the minute. Lots of people are suffering. The world is changing rapidly and appears to be getting worse. My question is this: “Why?” Is there is a purpose in all this insanity?

Over the years, I have noticed that most people need to hit the bottom before they will ever look inside and have the awakening they need to have the rest of their lives be great. Maybe the same is true for our planet.

Maybe all this craziness is pushing us to a place where we will have an awakening that will change our lives in a very positive way. Maybe we are in the process of a personal and global transformation. So what is transformation? Let me explain.

The nature of transformation

In one of our workshops, we do an acknowledgement exercise where participants create a cycle of loving, supporting, and empowering each other. The result is a very profound state of oneness. People experience a connection with each other and with life that is beyond words. Upsets and problems disappear. All that exists is a deep state of love, freedom, and peace.

Then we look at the nature of this state. People discover that, in this state, the circumstances of life have no power. Fear and upset cannot exist. Judgment disappears and the past has no relevance. Even the ego and the concept “me” disappear. All that exists is love.

When you are in this state of love, you are happy, alive, and free. You feel good about yourself and good about life. You can flow with whatever happens. You are confident, creative and very effective. You are also very positive. You see life clearly and can see what needs to be done. Problem areas clear up and great things happen around you.

When you are in this state, you are living in “the light” and life works incredibly. Ultimately, this is the natural state and the very essence of who you are.

The opposite state is one of fear, upset and resisting. When you are in this state, you close down inside and become very negative. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. All you can do is fight, resist, hang on and withdraw. Everything you do in this state makes your situation worse.

This state is referred to as “the darkness.” It produces unbelievable suffering and is where most people live their lives. On a planetary level, we are getting deeper and deeper into this destructive state.

Whether you are in the light or the darkness seems to be a result of what happens around you, but this is an illusion that will keep us struck forever. Our inner state is not determined by our circumstances, it is determined by how we relate to our circumstances.

A good way to see this is to look at the nature of upsets. When we get upset, it seems like the upset is caused by what happens, but this is an illusion. No circumstance can create an upset.

The nature of upsets

If I spill a glass of water on you, you are going to be wet. This is true no matter how you feel about it. No matter how much you fight the fact that you are wet, you are still wet. Your feelings don’t change a thing.

If you fight being wet, you will be upset and the more you fight being wet, the more upset and the more destructive you will be. If you are at peace with being wet, the upset would disappear. You may not like being wet, but you would see your situation clearly and be very effective.

Upsets are not caused by what happens. They are caused by fighting what happens. Effective action can handle a situation, but not the inner state of resisting.

When you are at peace with the truth, you have peace of mind. You see clearly and can see what needs to be done. Look at the areas of your life that work great. These are areas where you can flow with whatever happens. Things happen that you don’t like, but you don’t get hooked and you can take effective action.

Now look at the areas of your life that don’t work. These area areas where you can’t flow with what happens. This creates a state of fear and upset. It destroys your ability to find solutions and forces you to act in a way that makes your situation worse.

Think of a time when you resisted something. Then, for whatever reason, you stopped the resisting. You said, “The heck with it” and got on with your life. Notice what happened the moment you let go of the resisting.

Instantly, you restored your inner peace. Solutions appeared and that area of your life started clearing up. Life always works when we let go of the resisting and flow with whatever is going on. It’s only when we get our pride and ego in the way that life stops working.

Living in the light

We don’t notice, but there are two separate realms in life. There is the light and there is the darkness. There is the realm of love and the realm of circumstances.

When you are in the light, the only thing that matters is love. The circumstances of life are irrelevant. This is the realm of love, peace, joy, and miracles. When you are in the darkness, love is irrelevant and the circumstances of life are the only thing that matters. This is the realm of fear, upset, and suffering.

Personal transformation takes place once you discover, experientially and emotionally, that the circumstances of life are an illusion and that living in the light is the only thing that matters.

Once you have this awakening, it changes your life. Instead of fighting, resisting, hanging on and withdrawing, the focus is on trusting, healing and letting go. Your actions are then based on facts rather than emotion. You see clearly, solutions appear, and you become very effective.

In terms of spirituality, it’s about letting go, trusting in God, and letting his light shine through you. This is transformation. It’s also the opportunity of life. When you live in this state, life works. This is the transformation that is needed both on a personal level and a global level.

The fastest and easiest way to have this awakening is to attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart. You can also take our Mastery of Life Video Course.

All of our work is about showing people how to live in the light. We show people how to heal relationships, resolve problem areas, and create great lives. Come join us.


The day after I wrote this article, I watched a video that explains, on a scientific level, why our world is in such a mess and what needs to be done. It is one of the most profound videos I have ever seen. You can watch it at


Ground rules for a life of love

The key to creating a great life is to learn to live in the experience of love. When this is present, you are happy, alive and free. You feel good about yourself and good about life. You are creative and resourceful. You have a very positive attitude and great things happen around you. When you are in this state, you are living in the light. You are also experiencing the very essence of who you are.

We started out this way but lost it in the process of growing up. Then we entered the realm of fear, upset, and suffering. Now it’s time to get it back. It’s time to live in the light and have your life be as great as it can be. Here are some steps to help accomplish this.

Here are the ground rules:

  1. Be willing to feel your hurt
    On the surface, we resist certain circumstances, but at deeper level, we don’t resist the circumstances, we resist all the hurt that’s being triggered. When you are willing to feel this hurt, your circumstances lose power. You see clearly and become very effective. You also become more able to open your heart and express love.
  2. Trust that you will always be okay
    When you know that you will be okay no matter what happens, life becomes a lot less threatening. You then become more able to flow with whatever happens. You see clearly. Solutions appear and life turns out fine. The best way to create trust is to look at your past. You have had difficult times before and have made it through every one of them. If you are in a difficult time now, you will make it through this one too.
  3. Let go and flow with life
    At any moment, your life is the way it is. When you fight the truth of the way something is, you create a state of fear and upset. You destroy your ability to see what needs to be done and tend to make your situation worse. The moment you let go of the resisting, you see clearly. Solutions appear and this area of life starts clearing up. Effective action can handle a situation, but not the inner state of resisting.
  4. Be willing to be vulnerable
    For most of us, the thought of being vulnerable is scary, but it’s actually our greatest protection. When you are willing to be vulnerable, you radiate love. This in turn dissolves opposition and resistance. When you put up walls of protection, you create opposition and resistance. In your heart, be willing to be hurt again and again, but in your actions, say no when you need to and do whatever you need to have your life be great
  5. Allow yourself to be human
    You are the way you are whether you like it or not. Until you make peace with the way you are, you will never make peace with life. Accept every aspect of yourself, particularly the aspects of you that you don’t like. Own the parts of you called worthless, not good enough, failure and unlovable. Allow yourself to be human. Then see the love and the beauty that you are, just the way that you are.
  6. Forgive yourself
    Guilt is never caused by what we did. It’s something that we add later after seeing the consequences of our actions. To release a guilt, notice that at the time of your actions, you saw life in a very particular way. If you knew then what you know now, you would have acted differently, but you didn’t. So forgive yourself for not knowing. Then notice that you did the best you could with the limited awareness that you had at the time.
  7. Open your heart and express your love
    To create a life of love, you have to open your heart and give love. Accept and appreciate people just the way they are. Be like a child. See the love and beauty in everyone. As you express your love, the people around you will feel empowered and automatically express theirs in return.
  8. Let go of resentment
    Forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for you. When you resent, a part of you closes down inside. You become bitter and less able to express your love. Resentment is a subconscious tool that we use to avoid our hurt. Once you are willing to feel your hurt, the need for the resentment disappears. You can then forgive. Forgive the person for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive the person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability.
  9. Don’t overspend
    Upsets about money seem to be due to a lack of income, but this is seldom the case. Most people in the world would love to have your level of income. Upsets about money are almost always due to overspending. When spending exceeds your income, you can expect to get upset. To create a life of prosperity, make sure you spend less than you make and appreciate what you have.
  10. Handle your life
    Make a list of every aspect of your life that isn’t working. Some items are as minor as a squeaky chair. Others are as destructive as a contested divorce, but every item pulls you out of the experience of love. Then start the process of handling each item. Clean up your environment, your relationships, your health, and your finances. Handle every aspect of your life that doesn’t work.
  11. Be positive
    The words you speak and the thoughts you accept create your reality. You then act consistent with the way you see life and life proves your point of view to be true. If you want a life that works, don’t speak negatively or accept negative thoughts about yourself, other people or your life. Don’t speak or think negatively unless you want your words and thoughts to come true.
  12. Find something special to go for
    When you have something special to go for, life becomes an exciting adventure. You have direction and purpose. You also add spice to your life. If you have nothing to go for, life becomes something to endure and a life to be endured is not much fun. What’s possible for your life? Find what it is. Then go full speed to have it come true.
  13. Have your life be about serving
    When your life is about serving and making a contribution, your needs will always be met. When your life is about obtaining your needs, they will forever elude you. Find something more important than you and throw yourself into it. Have your life be about making the world be a better place. Then notice how much more enjoyable your life is.
  14. Seek a connection with God
    Love is your life force. The source of love is God. Seek a connection with God and allow yourself to be guided. Be still and listen. Pray and trust your intuition. Find activities that allow you experience the presence of God and do them often. Give your life to God and learn to love.


It is possible to create a life more wonderful than you can imagine, but it takes looking at life in a very different way. The Mastery of Life Video Course shows you how. You can also attend our weekend workshop, Return To The Heart. This provides a healing and an awareness that permanently changes the way you live your life. Come join us.

Why most relationships don’t make it

We live in a world where all the focus is outside of ourselves. This is particularly true in the area of relationships. The only thing we notice is how the other person treats us. Then we act accordingly. If the person is loving and supportive, we’ll be loving and supportive. If the person is judgmental and critical, we will do the same. We treat the other person according to how that person treats us.

We make the other person responsible for the presence or absence of love. When we do this, we lose our power and there is no telling what will happen. It’s like Russian roulette. Maybe the relationship will work and maybe it won’t. Most of the time, it won’t. If you want your relationship to be great, it’s up to you. You can’t rely on the other person.

The key to creating a great relationship is to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated.

Notice how you feel when someone genuinely loves, accepts, and appreciates you. It feels great. You feel empowered and automatically give love in return. The same thing happens when you love, accept, and appreciate someone else. That person feels empowered and automatically feels better about you. If you want your relationships to be great, make sure the people in your life feel loved.

Now look at the opposite. Notice how it feels when someone is judgmental and critical of you. It hurts. You put up your walls of protection and become critical in return. Then the other person gets upset and becomes more critical of you. Then you get upset and become more critical of the other person. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then goes on and on without anyone noticing his or her role in the problem. All the focus is on the other person.

It’s the cycle of conflict that destroys love and kills relationships. It creates tremendous damage and can easily be avoided. It can be avoided because in order for a cycle of conflict to exist, there must be two active participants. It’s like a tennis volley. Each person is giving non-acceptance, back and forth, back and forth. It takes two people to keep the volley going. It only takes one person to end it.

As soon as someone takes responsibility for the presence of love and refuses to return the serve, the volley is over. You end the volley by making sure the other person feels loved, accepted, and appreciated. Do this and watch what happens.

If accepting someone is difficult or if you are having trouble in a relationship, give me a call. I can show you how to end the conflict and restore the love in your relationship. You can also visit my website, and read my book, How to Heal a Painful Relationship.

Are you having a difficult time in your life?

It seems like more than ever, people are struggling in some area of their lives. Since so many people are suffering, I thought it would be helpful to give you some tips on how to be more effective in difficult times. This is important because how you relate to a difficult situation determines your mental well-being, your effectiveness, and how long the difficult time lasts.

To be most effective, there are things to do on the inside and action to take on the outside. The most important is the inner work. Restore your inner peace. When you have inner peace, you see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. When you are full of fear and upset, you can’t see anything. You shut down and lose your ability to find solutions. You get tunnel vision and tend to make your situation worse.

If you are in a difficult situation, your top priority is to get rid of the fear and upset. This is the key to being effective. You do this through a process called letting go. The next step is to create a plan of action.

Here are the specific steps:

1.  Identify the specific circumstances that you are resisting. What happened? What are you avoiding? What do you fear? Be as specific as possible.

2.  Take the focus off of your circumstances and focus on the hurt that is being triggered. Then dive into it. Cry it as hard as you can. It’s the emotion that sabotages your effectiveness, so get it out of you. Feel it deliberately and purposefully. Let it come and let it go.

3.  Trust that you will be okay. This makes it easier to flow with whatever happens. Notice that you have had difficult times before and you have made it through every one of them. You will make it through this one too.

4.  Let go. Be willing for your situation to never change and for your fears to come true – Not in your actions, but in your heart. This removes the fear and upset. You can then focus on solutions instead of resisting.

5.  After you restore your inner peace, take a fresh look at your situation. Then, based on facts instead of emotion, create a plan of action. What do you need to do? What steps do you need to take?

6.  Take action. The moment you create a plan of action and start taking steps to handle your situation, you get your power back. Instead of your situation being on top of you, you are now on top of your situation.

7.  Take care of you. Find things you can do that recharge the batteries of your soul. Then do them often. The more you are recharged, the more you see clearly and the more effective you will be.

Life isn’t always sunny. Sometimes you have to go through a storm. Fortunately, storms are always temporary. Your job is to get past the storm as fast as you can. Keep restoring your inner peace and keep taking the next step. Eventually, you will get past the turmoil and your life will be great again.

If letting go is difficult or if you want support in handling a difficult situation, give me a call. I can walk you through the process of handling this area of your life. Learn more. I look forward to hearing from you.