If you have two or more people together, you can expect to have disagreements. How you handle these disagreements determines the quality of your relationship. Most of us handle them in a way that is very destructive. We get defensive and draw sides against the other person.
Then we fight to have our side prevail. We think that if we fight hard enough, our side will win. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Everything you do to have your side win is calculated to have the other side lose. This automatically puts the other person on the defensive and forces that person to fight you.
Then you get defensive and fight the other person even harder. Then the other person does the same. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict that produces tremendous suffering and makes it very difficult to resolve anything.
We don’t realize that everything we do as an adversary creates more adversariness against us. Fortunately, this can easily be avoided. To learn how, let’s look at the nature of arguments.
The nature of arguments
Whenever there is an argument, there are two people forcefully pushing their point of view on the other. No one is listening. Nothing is getting resolved and the cycle of conflict is escalating dramatically.
The key to ending arguments and resolving disputes is simple. Stop talking and listen. It is physically impossible to have an argument with someone who listens.
The next time you are in an argument, listen to what the other person is saying and hear it from that person’s point of view. You don’t have to like what the person is saying or even agree with it. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen.
Once you have fully let in the other person’s point of view, there will be an opening for you to express yours. Once both of you have said everything you want to say, you can have a conversation about solutions.
Solutions that work for everyone
To resolve a dispute quickly, look for solutions that work for everyone. You will be surprised at how fast you find them when you take the time to look for them. Usually, solutions show up quickly. Sometimes it takes longer, but one thing is for sure, if you don’t look for a solution, you’re not likely to find it. So keep looking. Whatever the issue, there is a way to resolve it.
If the other person has already drawn sides against you, don’t do the same. When you keep your focus on finding solutions that work for both of you, you become less of a threat and the other person becomes less defensive. It’s hard to fight someone who is on your side.
You can still say no when you need to and you can take strong action if you need to. Some people are very difficult. It’s your commitment that is important. When keep your focus on finding solutions that work for everyone, you dissolve opposition and resistance. When you are defensive and focus on fighting, you fuel the fire.
When you draw sides and fight against each other, disputes get resolved by tug-of-war. The process is painful and takes forever. You destroy love and the cycle of conflict gets magnified dramatically.
It’s up to you
You can keep your pride, draw sides, and go to town on each other; or you can be committed to a relationship where everyone comes out ahead. The choice is yours.
It is possible to create a life of love. Relationships can heal, problem areas can clear up, and you can create an incredible life. I can show you how.
If you want to learn more about how to end conflict and resolve disputes, read my book, How to Heal a Painful Relationship. If you want to learn more about how to create a great life, get the Mastery of Life Video course. If you want to work with me on an individual basis, I am available for private consulting. You have the ability to create a great life, you just need to know how.