The Mastery of Life Blog


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Why most relationships don’t make it

We live in a world where all the focus is outside of ourselves. This is particularly true in the area of relationships. The only thing we notice is how the other person treats us. Then we act accordingly. If the person is loving and supportive, we’ll be loving and supportive. If the person is judgmental and critical, we will do the same. We treat the other person according to how that person treats us.

We make the other person responsible for the presence or absence of love. When we do this, we lose our power and there is no telling what will happen. It’s like Russian roulette. Maybe the relationship will work and maybe it won’t. Most of the time, it won’t. If you want your relationship to be great, it’s up to you. You can’t rely on the other person.

The key to creating a great relationship is to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated.

Notice how you feel when someone genuinely loves, accepts, and appreciates you. It feels great. You feel empowered and automatically give love in return. The same thing happens when you love, accept, and appreciate someone else. That person feels empowered and automatically feels better about you. If you want your relationships to be great, make sure the people in your life feel loved.

Now look at the opposite. Notice how it feels when someone is judgmental and critical of you. It hurts. You put up your walls of protection and become critical in return. Then the other person gets upset and becomes more critical of you. Then you get upset and become more critical of the other person. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle of conflict then goes on and on without anyone noticing his or her role in the problem. All the focus is on the other person.

It’s the cycle of conflict that destroys love and kills relationships. It creates tremendous damage and can easily be avoided. It can be avoided because in order for a cycle of conflict to exist, there must be two active participants. It’s like a tennis volley. Each person is giving non-acceptance, back and forth, back and forth. It takes two people to keep the volley going. It only takes one person to end it.

As soon as someone takes responsibility for the presence of love and refuses to return the serve, the volley is over. You end the volley by making sure the other person feels loved, accepted, and appreciated. Do this and watch what happens.

If accepting someone is difficult or if you are having trouble in a relationship, give me a call. I can show you how to end the conflict and restore the love in your relationship. You can also visit my website, www.MasteryofRelationships.com and read my book, How to Heal a Painful Relationship.

Are you having a difficult time in your life?

It seems like more than ever, people are struggling in some area of their lives. Since so many people are suffering, I thought it would be helpful to give you some tips on how to be more effective in difficult times. This is important because how you relate to a difficult situation determines your mental well-being, your effectiveness, and how long the difficult time lasts.

To be most effective, there are things to do on the inside and action to take on the outside. The most important is the inner work. Restore your inner peace. When you have inner peace, you see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. When you are full of fear and upset, you can’t see anything. You shut down and lose your ability to find solutions. You get tunnel vision and tend to make your situation worse.

If you are in a difficult situation, your top priority is to get rid of the fear and upset. This is the key to being effective. You do this through a process called letting go. The next step is to create a plan of action.

Here are the specific steps:

1.  Identify the specific circumstances that you are resisting. What happened? What are you avoiding? What do you fear? Be as specific as possible.

2.  Take the focus off of your circumstances and focus on the hurt that is being triggered. Then dive into it. Cry it as hard as you can. It’s the emotion that sabotages your effectiveness, so get it out of you. Feel it deliberately and purposefully. Let it come and let it go.

3.  Trust that you will be okay. This makes it easier to flow with whatever happens. Notice that you have had difficult times before and you have made it through every one of them. You will make it through this one too.

4.  Let go. Be willing for your situation to never change and for your fears to come true – Not in your actions, but in your heart. This removes the fear and upset. You can then focus on solutions instead of resisting.

5.  After you restore your inner peace, take a fresh look at your situation. Then, based on facts instead of emotion, create a plan of action. What do you need to do? What steps do you need to take?

6.  Take action. The moment you create a plan of action and start taking steps to handle your situation, you get your power back. Instead of your situation being on top of you, you are now on top of your situation.

7.  Take care of you. Find things you can do that recharge the batteries of your soul. Then do them often. The more you are recharged, the more you see clearly and the more effective you will be.

Life isn’t always sunny. Sometimes you have to go through a storm. Fortunately, storms are always temporary. Your job is to get past the storm as fast as you can. Keep restoring your inner peace and keep taking the next step. Eventually, you will get past the turmoil and your life will be great again.

If letting go is difficult or if you want support in handling a difficult situation, give me a call. I can walk you through the process of handling this area of your life. Learn more. I look forward to hearing from you.

Create a new possibility for your life

What changes do you want in your life? How do you want your life to be? What problem areas do you want to get resolved? What passion do you want to pursue? Take a few minutes and do some daydreaming. What is the possibility and the opportunity for your life?

This is important because creating possibility changes how you relate to life. When you are in touch with the possibility of something special, you become very positive and full of energy. Life becomes an exciting adventure. You have direction and purpose, a reason to wake up in the morning.

Find a time when you had the possibility of something special happening in your life: a new relationship, a new job opportunity, or something else that you were excited about. Notice how it felt to go for this possibility. Notice the joy it brought.

Now look at the opposite. When you have nothing to go for, life has no purpose. It feels empty and meaningless. You become negative and instead of life being a source of joy, it becomes something to endure: and a life to be endured is not much fun. So, if you don’t have something special to go for, find something. Find it as fast as you can. Then go full speed to have your dreams come true. This is one of the keys to creating a great life.

Albert Einstein has a quote that I love. He said that imagination is more important than knowledge. This is so true. Imagination creates possibility and possibility creates joy. You can also step into that possibility and have it come true. So do some daydreaming. What do you want? How do you want your life to be? Create possibility. Then notice what happens.

Letting go: The key to being effective in life

At any moment, your life is exactly the way that it is. This is true no matter how you feel about it. When you are at peace with the truth of the way your situation is, you become very effective. You may not like what’s happening but you see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. Look at the areas of your life that work great. These are areas where you can flow with whatever happens.

Now look at the areas of your life that don’t work. These are areas where you can’t flow. Instead of focusing on what needs to be done based on the facts, all the focus is on fighting the facts. When you do this, you create a state of fear, upset and tunnel vision. You destroy your ability to see what needs to be done and you interact in a way that magnifies the problem.

Restoring your peace and your ability to see clearly is the key to handling a difficult situation. It’s also the key to being effective in life. You restore your peace and effectiveness through a process called letting go.

To see an example of letting go, find a time when you were actively resisting something. Then, for whatever reason, you let go of the resisting and said, “The heck with it.” What happened the moment you did this?

Instantly, everything changed. The fear, upset, and tunnel vision disappeared. You restored your inner peace and your ability to see clearly. Solutions appeared and this area of life started clearing up. This is what happens when you let go of the resisting. Life takes care of itself. It’s the resisting and hanging on that sabotages our lives.

To see how letting go works, let’s look at the nature of fear. Fear is created by resisting a future event. The more you resist a future event, the bigger your fear. The bigger your fear, the more you feel threatened. The more you feel threatened, the more you act destructively. This, in turn, causes your fear to come true.

To have any fear lose its power, do the opposite of what creates it. Instead of resisting the future event, be willing for the event to come true — not in your actions, but in your heart. In your actions, do everything you can to make sure your fear doesn’t come true, but in your heart, be willing. “If it happens it happens. I’ll deal with it.”

When you are willing for your fear to come true, the fear loses power. You see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. This is letting go.

Letting go is a state of mind and is totally separate from your actions. Letting go is the inner technique that removes the fear, upset, and tunnel vision so you can see what action you need to take. So be willing. Be willing for your fears to come true and for your situation to never change. Restore your inner peace. Then do whatever you need to do to have your life be great.

The ability to let go is one of the most important skills you can ever learn. It’s also easier said than done. To make letting go easier, there are two things you can do. Trust that you will be okay no matter what happens and feel your hurt willingly like a child. Let it come and let it go. Learn more about letting go.

If letting go is difficult, let me walk you through the healing process. You can also watch the Mastery of Life Video Course and read the book, Get Your Power Back.

The key to resolving disputes

When you have two people together, you can expect to have disagreements. How you handle these disagreements determines the quality of your relationship. Most of us handle them in a way that is very destructive. We get defensive and draw sides against the other person. Then we fight to have our side prevail.

We think that if we fight hard enough, our side will win. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Everything you do to have your side win is calculated to have the other side lose. This puts the other person on the defensive and forces that person to fight you.

Then you get defensive and fight the person even more. Then the other person gets upset and fights you more. Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict that creates needless suffering and makes it very difficult to resolve anything. Fortunately, this can easily be avoided.

To learn how, let’s start by looking at the nature of arguments. Whenever there is an argument, there are two people who are forcefully pushing their point of view on the other. No one is listening. Nothing is getting resolved and the cycle of conflict is escalating dramatically.

The key to ending an argument and resolving a dispute is simple. Stop talking and listen. It is physically impossible to have an argument with someone who listens.

The next time you are in an argument, listen to what the other person is saying and hear it from that person’s point of view. You don’t have to like what the person is saying or even agree with it. You don’t have to do anything. Just listen.

Once you have fully let in the other person’s point of view, there will be an opening for you to express yours. Once both of you have said everything you want to say, you can have a conversation about solutions.

The next step is to look for solutions that work for everyone. This is important because when you do this, you dissolve opposition and resistance. You also find solutions. In fact, you will be surprised at how fast you find them. The solutions are always there, we just don’t see them. We don’t see them because we don’t look for them. We are too busy arguing.

Learning how to resolve disputes can make your life a lot easier.